Twisted Knickers

Okay so they’re in a twist as they so often are.

A lovely friend pointed me to this Pema Chodron thing:

http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/shenpa3a.php

about the phenomenon of shenpa–a way we all have of getting hooked by something in an interaction–it seems like it’s a way of getting all reactive, or maybe we could say triggered, or getting into some old script and acting automatically; maybe it’s a lot like what they call acting out.

and then she talks about how we all tend to reach for some habitual way of distracting ourselves from the discomfort of getting hooked, a button pushed.

so i was in a group that seemed a bit jumble of shenpa, others’ and mine.  i’m trying to write about it instead of just doing the whole reactive/escape/acting out/triggered approach that i usually run to. maybe this is just another way to escape the discomfort of a difficult social interaction but hey–it’s a lot better than my usual selection of ways to evade the discomfort.  nobody has to go to the psych ward or rehab, for instance (since my favorite evasion strategy was for a time alcohol, and those are the places it took me).

what happened was that i was speaking my mind/speaking up for myself in a situation where it felt hard.  i did it though and somewhat effectively but also with a smidgen of clumsiness in one aspect (got to have a smidgen) which i could improve upon, or maybe it’s not even that is was actually clumsy much–more than i said something that hit a sore spot, which i did expect might happen and i tried to minimize but may have done that part clumsily, or not, maybe the spot was just that sore.

so as i have now demonstrated, when somebody says things that hook me, that hit my sore spot, one of my reactions is to obsess/replay and second guess myself.  this at first didn’t sound like Pema’s list of shenpa escape strategies but of course it is the same sort of thing.  plus she explicitly mentions how turning the hookiness against oneself can be a way we react/act out:

“In the West, it is very, very common at that point to turn it against yourself: something is wrong with me.”

Yes, well that is one of my favorite hobbies.  And you know it is a way of escaping the discomfort, or sort of, or maybe not that great of a way because it is pretty uncomfortable in itself.  But it is familiar and so easy to slide into that in a way it is sort of perversely comfortable.  It’s certainly one of my top ways of reacting to that icky hooked triggered trancey scripty feeling (I guess shenpa is a bit more concise a term than that little amalgamation).  And right now I’m really seeing my preferred ways of reacting.  I suppose it is needless to say that i do not naturally tend toward what she recommends–“refraining” from whatever habitual escape comforter thing we tend to favor.  But maybe it would be freeing.  More than maybe.  It’s just that it’s so hard not to get pulling into those nice deep habitual grooves!  I like to slip into those grooves. . .but maybe not so much. . .maybe it’s just scary not to.  I think it is more the fear of not reaching for those habits that’s the trouble as opposed to any actual discomfort that refraining from them might bring.  This seems especially likely given that my current top habitual escape reactive thingamos are not particularly pleasurable.  Not like a nice drug.

I would prefer to say I respond placidly to shenpa and gracefully, but really what I do is more like this:

1.  Feel guilty about whatever I might have done to provoke the response that has hooked me.

2.  Feel even more guilty about that and perhaps also just my general existence.

3. Become outraged at the unfairness of whatever was said to me.

4.  Think about how they just aren’t being very nice/wise/self-aware and that’s why they said this thing that is bothering me, while failing to realize that has very little to do with anything.

5.  Feel guilty about #4, and shame about every aspect of the entire interaction.

6.  Obsess/replay what happened, with some further occasional outrage sprinkled in and lots of guilt/shame.

7.  Want to use drugs or any other addictive behavior that happens to appeal at the time.

8.  Possibly use a little of a non-drug addictive behavior to attempt to distract myself or feel better.

9.  Not feel better.  Also possibly feel bad about whatever I just did.

10.  Decide I just can’t handle interpersonal anything.  Feel shame about that.

11.  Try to figure out how to fix the situation, to make it right, often by apologizing, often excessively and without really knowing why or fully meaning it because i’m not even thinking about anything, just trying to fix whatever happened.

12.  Try to get other people to reassure me that i didn’t actually do anything that bad.

So while I am talking about it here, I did refrain from trying to do #12 despite EXTREME URGE to do so right now.  I’m writing this but leaving it alone it all the other ways.  I think it’s not quite refraining but it’s not bad for me.  And I can report that it has been really hard to refrain even to the degree that i did, and uncomfortable, but i think it’s passing now.  When I do all those other things listed above it doesn’t really pass until a lot longer time has gone by.  So that’s pretty exciting.  Maybe this sitting with your feelings/tolerating discomfort advice isn’t as hideous as it sounds.  Maybe a little hideous, but if it works it works.  And it’s not like my little array of methods was working.