Enthusiasm/En-theos: A Less Lusterless Life
Enthusiasm. En-theos. The roots say that enthusiasm is to have the divine within, and the sounds of the word makes me want to say “infused” with the divine to rhyme with enthused.
I had been in a bottom of the stick, wrong end of the barrel (to demonstrate as well as describe my askew-ness) anhedonic spot–not too far gone but enough to make the enormities of trying to tolerate existence lose their luster. Now that’s lifting (some medication adjustment but also the passing of the holidays–my first of them after my father’s death) and the enormities of trying to tolerate existence are still enormous at times, but they aren’t so lusterless. I have found a couple new enthusiasms, and enthused/infused I am less droopy about this whole living thing.
The major new enthusiasm is blogging, this blog which has been so good for me in all kinds of ways (not least because it’s had some readers and commenters–thank you!), and the idea of this new group blog over across the way: Vortex Surfers.
Joining the Ys around town and having sudden access to many saunas and exercise places/classes has been another of late, and as I’ve mentioned, running and yoga-ing.
Feeling excited about things makes me want to be alive. I have spent so much time in crushing fear and self-squishing that feeling excited about things still feels thrilling and a little risky because it’s such an admission of caring about things and therefore in my little book (this little book should be chucked, I think) it is a potential occasion for humiliation and shame. So letting myself feel it–such a pure exuberance–and not hide it, and not feel too squished when (because it is “when,” not “maybe,” experience tells me) I get shushed a bit for going on too long or energetically about it–these are all a little scary but wildly liberating experiences. And though I find much that is difficult in my make-up, one little but big gift is that I am easily thrilled, and I have learned to make something “little” into much.