Unconsoled

A book I really like is called that.  But it’s also the state of a little part of me that got seriously freaked out earlier this week and can’t be consoled.  I was all managing as best I could and all, but then my therapist canceled our last appointment on Friday before being away a week.  She has her reasons for these things, always, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

I was in her office wanting to die and feeling unheldtogether and unheld, and so I dearly wanted/needed to see her soon after to get my self righted.  But I think it’s really that attachment stuff, with her being my attachment figure, a base to run to and yet I feel rejected (rightly or wrongly, whatever), and in fact I also was feeling terrified (and that’s not about her, it’s about a previous attachment figure–this one does sometimes pull away when I need her desperately but sometimes she has been really there for me and in any case I don’t think she’s cause for that kind of fear, except in the sense that she can reject me, and that’s not nothing, but it’s not sadism I guess).  Fright without solution is the attachment phrase they use, I believe, when we can’t run to the figure we most need when we most need her.

No wonder I feel how I feel this week, when I think of it like that.  And it is like that, to a part of me that isn’t real connected to the rest, and that I don’t know how to reach.

They tell me there’s hope.  And by they, I don’t mean people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  I mean people who do, who know this territory because it’s been theirs too.

Explore posts in the same categories: Anxiety, Family, Fear, Grief, Moods, Psychology, Recovery, Sadness, Shame, Therapy, despair, loss, parts, trauma

Tags: attachment, parts, Therapy, trauma

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