Vortex Visit

I made a little visit to the ole vortex yesterday.  I forgot what a terrible place that is–it’s odd to be able to have that place within me but not be entirely aware of it except when I’m lost in it.  It’s just not integrated with the rest of me–dissociated would be the word I suppose if I wanted to get all psychological about it, which apparently I do.  My wonderful group therapy group (the second “group” is there in case you missed the first I guess) talked with me about it and it was amazing to hear a bunch of people who know–and I mean KNOW–that place because they have it too.  I do wish they didn’t have it, but to be able to share the experience was the next best thing to not having to have it.  And it is a deep level to share/connect on.  I do like depth in my social experience.  Hold the superficial chat (unless it’s especially pleasurable, of course) and let’s dive down deep.

The thing that triggered this punched-in-the-stomach plummeting-into-a-bottomless-pit sensation would seem rather trivial, it was me feeling rejected because my therapist didn’t have the time for me I wanted and it’s a quick trip from that kind of thing to feeling rejected and that segues seamlessly into “I shouldn’t be here/it would be better if I had never been born.”  Even I can see that that might be a tad extreme.  But in the moment I think I was in an emotional flashback and it was way back and if I imagine how a baby might feel if she felt unwanted and was washed over with shame, this state, this inner vortex, is exactly what I’d imagine.  It’s sort of heartbreaking when I think of it that way, in the abstract.  Harder for me if I think of it as myself, but still, it’s something to even begin to allow a little of this reality and the sadness of it into my consciousness.  A little is plenty; more might  be shattering.  That’s kind of the point of dissociation I suppose, to keep what can’t be known at bay, and in time, maybe letting a little trace of it through, a little at a time, to be metabolized and/or kicked out as poison.

Explore posts in the same categories: Body-mind, Change, Family, Fear, Grief, Memory, Psychology, Sadness, Shame, Social Experience, Therapy, despair, loss, parts, trauma

Tags: dissociation, Shame, Therapy, trauma

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