Changes in my Weather

Somehow I don’t like to admit it, but things seem different, better.  Maybe I feel like it’s begging for trouble to say it.  Maybe I feel like it’s saying that the difficulties haven’t been truly difficult.  That second one feels especially like what it is–it rings true as I write it.  I don’t like to report on doing better/okay because I feel like it’s saying the hard things aren’t really so hard.  I think that desire makes some sense because I’ve experienced (and learned to inflict upon myself) a lot of feeling told that things I’m going through aren’t really that bad.  People have told me that explicitly (when I was little) and implicitly it’s seemed to be the message sometimes too.  So I don’t want to be going along with that–I am trying to refuse to participate.  But I can imagine it’s possible to say what’s true about the difficult and the lessening of difficulty without either one nullifying the other.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression–I’m not perkily chipper or anything.  I have misgivings, doubts about how much I can handle.  But I don’t feel as crushed.  I am not sick with grief, nor paralayzed with self-doubt or anxiety (I have been both at times recently).  That’s some pretty serious improvement, if I think of it that way.

I am learning a little bit about entering into feelings and moving around in them rather than freezing or creating dangerous diversions (I still like my diversions, but I don’t always use them to avoid the difficult stuff).  I am learning a little bit about doing what’s in front of me and leaving it at that, sometimes anyway, which is more than no times.

Explore posts in the same categories: Anxiety, Change, Coping strategies, Depression, Fear, Grief, Living, Moods, Psychology, Recovery, Sadness, Spirituality, or Something, addiction, despair, loss

Tags: emotions, Grief, loss, Recovery

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