Onslaughts
Life feels like a bunch of onslaughts sometimes, not all bad necessarily, or not necessarily categorized, but definitely overwhelming. Work is this way often for me–lots of intense concentration on many levels at once. It’s always interesting though, which not many people can say. But sometimes a little staring blankly out the window can be nice too. I’m in a bit of a daze really, not eating/resting enough doesn’t help of course, but anyways it can be hard sometimes to feel held together or like the world has some solidness. That doesn’t sound the least bit rational when I write it but that’s how it feels. I have trouble understanding and evaluating and improving my relationships. I just don’t know how. I do try when I think of a way to. I want my spouse and I to feel connected, to enjoy each other, and I think that is something that does happen, but not as much as I’d like, and, interestingly, as he’d like if I understand him rightly. But we don’t seem to know how. No maps for this kind of thing.
More hideously than that issue though, I don’t know my own territory. Or I should say I do on some levels–somatic especially, but not on others. And I don’t know how to tolerate it without questionable means. I’m doing this I think at least at times, or at least with relatively minor compulsions or not-too-costly obsessions.
Onward, I suppose. What’s the alternative, after all? I know the answer all too well; I went farther than I care to say down that path already and it’s no place for a living feeling being. So onward it is.
This entry was posted on September 24, 2008 at 2:58 am and is filed under Body-mind, Change, Coping strategies, Living, Moods, Social Experience, Work, trauma. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.
Tags: Body-mind, coping, Living, marriage, relationships, trauma
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September 24, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Connecting with your partner is a HUGE deal. My suggestion– take time away from the brain drains & distractions– for my household, it’s the computer and the television. Just hang out and talk– whether sitting together on the porch or hanging out in bed. Talk about things. Every thing. From the insignificant to the deep and taboo.
September 27, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I hate those “onslaught” times. Sometimes during those times it’s hard to remember that calmer times did exist and may even happen again in the future. I think when there’s so much of everything at once (even if some are good) and not eating/resting enough it can wear out/discourage even the most “solid”. I hope you get a little eating/resting/gardening/looking out the window time.
September 28, 2008 at 12:21 am
I am uncertain if you are talking about getting to know one another physically or emotionally and spiritually. If you are talking about emotionally and spiritually then I’d suggest a road trip with a hotel stay….a cheap hotel where there isn’t anything to do but sit around with one another and talk. On a road trip people revel the most personal things, stuff they wouldn’t otherwise say. Road trips are good for getting stuff out in the open. By nature we just open up on the road. The road has a free feeling to but the car offers safety and privacy. People naturally open up under those circumstances.
Your comment about the world not feeling solid makes total sense form a person who dissociates a lot. That comment is clear as a bell.
My other thought is this, if you’re talking about not knowing your body physically and sexually then my thought is that the issue is one of PTSD. Fortunately there are tons of PTSD manuals but time and a heck of a lot of work will have to go into the healing process of “knowing” and being comfortable with that knowledge.
until again,
Austin
September 30, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Thanks for all these good thoughts, everybody. Here’s to calmer and more solid-feeling times!
I think there’s a whole lot of connecting with my SO and self that could be worked on, in all the ways you all describe.