“Be of Good Courage”

Tonight, settling down after the day, I feel like I’ve been at war.  

The way I actually spent my day was packing up boxes (moving Friday), and with some AA women, and at therapy–in other words besides the boxes part in spots where I feel cared about, loved even.  But I was physically afraid–terrified, crawly skin and startly as can be.  I’m glad I was with those people (and my therapy group friends last night) because I suppose otherwise it’d have been worse.  

Now I’ve settled down a lot, though I feel strange.  Not bad.  Strange.  New.  A bit sick.  Hopeful.  Very sick.  And hopeful.  Still afraid, but not as much.

What it’s all about is that last night I had a sort of nightmare but I was awake.  I believe the technical term is a flashback–not one like video or coherent memory episode, but one nonetheless.  I actually managed to tell my therapist about it.  She didn’t tell me I’m repulsive and it’s all my fault (the opposite, of course).  That had a profound effect, right there.  And my body-self said it’s about damn time we don’t have to eat this knowledge, becoming sick with it.  And it’s true.   

We’ll see if I actually manage to hit “publish,” and don’t delete this post in the morning.  An AA friend was telling me about how the phrase “be of good courage” helped her, and might help me.  It does.

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