Gloom, Hopelessness, Despair Beyond Measure
That title is a little tasty bit of snippiness for my spouse, in case he’s reading, since he’s wondered if maybe I’m a little too focused on the negative, possibly because of my last few posts, and because he’s stressed (as I’m stressed) about moving and getting our new place livable.
It’s funny, because really I have long shirked the really negative stuff, not sought it out. And have been paying the price. I’m tired of that. It’s tiresome. And it’s not right to suffer in the old ways without trying to change them. This is what is making me look more actively at some uncheery topics. It’s “look actively at them” or “keep them beneath the level of attention” where they control me in ways I don’t want. So if focusing on unpleasant things in that way is being negative, then let me be negative.
I’m not actually feeling gloom, hopelessness, or despair beyond measure. I do sometimes, but the more I look at the things I think I can’t handle the less of these three things I seem to feel. People talk about how no one should “wallow” in the bad. And I don’t say I want to wallow (actually I do, for two minutes, because if I go ahead and do it I get tired of it promptly and move on to something else, whereas if I tell myself I should it becomes harder to move in any direction), but I don’t know any way through but through. Around doesn’t seem to do the trick. So through it is.
I’m learning more about the territory, which is to say my own territory. I wish that metaphor didn’t fit so well–the territory of the body, with its implications of power, control, possession, and laying of claim. My body shouldn’t be up for grabs. I should say “shouldn’t have been,” because it’s not as much now, though no woman is sure of that, but it’s less so now that I’m no longer a child. I am told that a child’s body shouldn’t be claimed or overseen to any more invasive extent than necessary especially after the very early years. But for many of us that isn’t the reality.
When I get into a spot in which I’ve thought things were okay and been startled to find out otherwise, my territory goes on high alert, becoming easily startled and hypersensitive to approach and to feeling confined or constricted. This happened yesterday, and is still so. When I feel like this, or am otherwise afraid, I tend to feel it in a creeping wriggly sensation in a pretty specific area, and sometimes the skin there burns with its own distress. The body doesn’t communicate through speech, but it does speak, and sometimes it yells. It seems to me that it’s about time for it to be heard, though I don’t quite know how to make this happen. Not yet.
Tags: body/mind, Fear, healing, pain, somatic, trauma
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July 15, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I’ve been thinking about this entry for a few days now. I think I’m finally ready to comment.
When I first read this I thought, ya know, many prefer to hear or read the good in life and say that writing about or talking about the bad means you focus only on that. They seem to think when talking about the negatives we are wallowing in the past and making it so we can’t move forward. I thought about how it is that people don’t say, “stop talking about the past” when you begin to relate a positive experience. This kind of statement only happens when the person begins to speak about painful things.
The second thing is this, there is more to my life than the abuse I suffered as a child and young adult but it is not the positives in my life that keep me up at night. It is not the positive experiences (and there have been many) that wreck my relationships or depress me to a paralyzed state. The good in my life has not canceled out the bad in any way. In order to neutralize the bad I have to work on it. The only way to work on it is to talk about it, bring it forward and do my best to reconcile what I can and neutralize what I cannot. This is why my blog focuses on abuse issues, because I want the good to have the full affect, to gain benefits from the good instead of it always being overshadowed by the abuse and issues from the abuse.
If I work on self esteem (which was damaged by abuse) and I talk about ways I feel dirty and why then I can begin to heal my self image thereby choosing a healthier partner next time. It seems negative to talk about painful issues but the end result and the goal is to have neutralize it so the positive can have it’s full affect. This is like dental surgery. This is going to hurt, we’re going to pull things out by the roots and it won’t be pretty but the end result is less pain in the mouth. Will it be worth it? Yes, because now the positive is able to be experienced without the burden of major pain. No one says don’t have oral surgery, you’re being negative. They know it’s going to hurt but they also know it is vital for daily health to have an infected tooth removed or healed as best it can be. This is how life is, we heal it as best we can or remove the parts that can’t be healed. The thing is, oral surgery is easier!!!
until again,
Austin
PS. Sorry for the long winded comment.
July 15, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Wow Austin,
Excellent thought-out comment!
July 16, 2008 at 1:59 am
Thanks for writing this. I think this is a big problem that maybe anyone trying to work on painful things from the past faces (as if it isn’t hard enough to work on those things!).
This is so true: “I thought about how it is that people don’t say, “stop talking about the past” when you begin to relate a positive experience. This kind of statement only happens when the person begins to speak about painful things.”
And I think this is too: “It seems negative to talk about painful issues but the end result and the goal is to have neutralize it so the positive can have it’s full affect.” It seems like it’s really a very positive goal that underlies the looking at/talking about these issues.
The other thing is that talking about these things has been the only thing that’s ever helped me with shame, and shame, I think, might be the most destructive thing of all for me.
July 16, 2008 at 5:43 am
Shame rots the bones. It’s like a flat tire, you can roll only so far with it until you’re on nothing but a rim. Then every revolution is more painful than the first.
Shame can rot you right to the core, I know the feeling so well.
Austin