Anahata, Achey-Breaky
I’m living in Nashville, so I feel I ought to through a little of that flavor over my Chapel Hill-cultivated
yoga-ey sensibility. Of course there’s tons of yoga here, and lots of music of types other than the one.
But anyway.
So my grief over loss–of my father and also of the idea of family that I still sort of had but have no longer or at least am beginning to let go of–and fear and shame are all swirling around–all at once this week. I find this challenging. It undoes me, disorganizes me, lays me low. But opening up the heart center, anusara yoga-style or whatever style, is more findable for me than it used to be; fear is not as large; courage is larger. But I’m still getting a bit undone at times. I know I have vulnerable spots; I do not pretend not to (in fact I have an odd and possibly counter-productive tendency to announce them rather broadly at times). And I know that having strength isn’t about not having weaknesses; it’s about working with them. But the truth is that some days are also about being knocked off balance and over. Sometimes I fall. Then I feel like I should pretend I didn’t, for shame. Shame holds me down, makes me queasy and weak. Will I let it hold me down without a fight? Today I fought through one wave, but not through another. I laid down for it, and it sickened me, as it does. What will tomorrow bring?
Maybe another way of leading with the heart. Grief burns things up, but it carves out a greater space.
Tags: body/mind, Change, Fear, Grief, heart, Shame, Yoga
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April 11, 2008 at 9:49 am
i am very sorry you feel so acutely the loss of your father. i wonder, though, where the shame is coming from. it is a recurring motif in your blog. maybe you’ve talked about it elsewhere, maybe in the middle of a yoga or running post…. those are so foreign to my interests that i skim them fast!
April 11, 2008 at 1:15 pm
These topics–running/yoga and the psychological ones–are all entwined for me I think. And the kinesthetic stuff really counters the shame/fear for me.
The shame–where it comes from–it’s hard to even say because it’s everywhere–it’s systemic. But it has been stirred up by this loss/grief–it does come family of course so losing one of them and then having that loss make me see the whole family system more clearly have double-stirred it up. But it’s also from lots of other things, feeling outside, feeling defective. . . those sorts of things.
April 11, 2008 at 8:04 pm
shame is a terribly painful feelings. seeing it so often in your blog makes me heart go out to you. ((((hugs))))
April 15, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I love the line that “having strength isn’t about not having weaknesses”.
April 18, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Thanks ama and mastgirl–and I do truly believe that about the strength thing–not having weaknesses or vulnerabilities seems like it would mean strength and courage wouldn’t be necessary. I think it would be weirdly boring too. And the vulnerable spots are where we can connect to others so deeply.